Those Unexplainable Teenage Years
Children grow up so fast that sometimes parents forget that their babies are already teenagers. These growing years are crucial moments when children undergo physical, mental, and social development. Parents may suddenly realize these changes when their children communicate their thoughts differently from how they used to.
Understanding the changes that children undergo as they reach their teens makes it easier for parents to nurture good relationships and avoid communication gaps. During the teenage years, a child goes through important transitions as the individual begins to transition from childhood to adulthood. From 11 to 19 years old, children start to hone their values and define themselves without necessarily thinking about the opinions of others.
During this stage, children give importance to identity and self. This is why teenagers often insist on what they believe to be right, even if it goes against what their parents have taught them. What matters to them is that these convictions are their own, which define who they want to be. Parents, once teenagers themselves, often forget that they have undergone the same stage. Not fully understanding teenage behavior will only stereotype them as rebellious, moody, and irrational.
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Livescience.com explains that aside from physical development, the brain develops astoundingly, contributing to teens’ behavioral changes. During adolescence, the brain’s most dramatic growth occurs, which results in a growth spurt of new cognitive skills. In addition, neuronal sprouting happens right before puberty and peaks at about age 11 to 12. Aside from these changes, teenagers also face intense emotions because of puberty, and they also have to cope with peer pressure.
Parents have to understand that teenagers deal with these huge changes in social, emotional, and cognitive skills and that teens may have difficulty dealing with it. However, given the right direction and guidance, Who can lead children along the right path. Who can achieve this if parents keep calm, listen, and maintain good role models for their children?
Why Teenagers Hate Their Parents
The McKay School of Education reminds parents that most adolescents have moments of hate and anger directed at their parents. The phrase “I hate my mom” is so common, and it is most likely because teenagers feel that they are restricted from finding their own identity. In his book, The Power of Positive Parenting: A Wonderful Way to Raise Children (1994), Dr. Glenn Latham invites parents to look back at their adolescent years so that they may fully understand life and parenthood. Latham (1994) further said that by reflecting on their childhood, a parent would be reminded that a child’s reasons for hating their parents are probably as meaningless as theirs were years ago with their parents.
There are instances when teenagers appear to be sweet, responsible, and obedient, all of which a parent would long to see in their children. However, just as quickly as teenager exhibits this behavior, they suddenly become very emotionally angry and shut themselves in their world.
Dr. Nadine Kaslow, a psychologist, describes that adolescence is about separating and individuating. Simply put, individuation is the process of creating self-identity and independence, while separation is when children slowly detach their dependence on their parents. This is further experienced when strong peer pressure pushes a child to seek belongingness to a group. Teenagers tend to reject their parents to find their own identities, and they focus on their friends more than on their families. Dr. Kaslow assures parents that this situation is normal at this stage.
A study done by researchers from Brigham Young University (BYU) states that parents are always teaching their children. It also mentions that parents should teach teenagers how to respond to anger from others. The study also emphasizes that remaining calm is a key factor, and it is important to be in control and respond appropriately.
When Parents Don’t Become Role Models
One way for parents to have a successful relationship with their teenagers is by being role models. The story becomes different when teenagers breed anger towards their parents for legitimate reasons. Stories of teenagers rebelling against their parents are not new. Sometimes, parents disregard this behavior simply because they are teenagers, and it is expected. However, there are instances when the parents themselves are why teenagers resort to this behavior.
A family becomes dysfunctional, especially when the parents, the home’s foundation, are afflicted by alcohol and substance addiction or abuse. These are the common causes of broken families and problematic children. Dr. Charles Whitfield, in his book, Healing the Child Within, defines a dysfunctional family as one that is affected by mental illness, trauma from tragedy, or headed by individuals with very poor parenting skills.
Often, teenagers in dysfunctional families result in developing mental disorders. Teenagers in dysfunctional families also incur fear, confusion, and unhappiness from family wounding. This situation often results in unhealthful or aggressive behavior, and some teenagers may not perform well academically.
Depression and anxiety are the most common mental disorders that children in dysfunctional families acquire. Teenagers may escape these problems by resorting to drugs and alcohol or engaging in dangerous, wild activities. If this behavior is not addressed, it may lead to other illnesses that are even more serious.
Child psychiatrist Joseph Biederman identified bipolar disorder and other mood and personality disorders as the common effects of dysfunctional families with adolescents and children. According to Biederman, interactions in dysfunctional families create and maintain certain behavioral problems in children.
Dr. David M. Allen discussed in his book, How Dysfunctional Families Spur Mental Disorders, that treating child mental disorders with medicine is not enough to solve the problem. He stated that giving medicine is just a quick fix, not the solution. He suggests a holistic approach starting with fixing the causes that make the family dysfunctional. He also suggests treating the family as a system that involves all members contributing to resolving the problem.
Saying Things Right
Hearing a child say, “I hate mom”, directly or through others flashes a warning sign that there might be something wrong. During the early adolescence stage, children tend to shut their world and say things like, “I hate my mom and dad” then, it is important that parents pay more attention to small signs that say that something might be wrong.
One of the easiest ways to determine lapses with teenagers is through communication. According to the Victorian Department of Human Services (VDHS, 2013), good communication is essential for strong relationships between parents and teenagers. A teenager may manifest feelings of isolation, rejection, or apathy if communication blocks hinder smooth communication between the teenager and their parents.
Finding ways to get teenagers to talk with their parents is perhaps a difficult task, but once a teenager opens up to them, Who will build a nurturing relationship. This communication will prevent having problematic teens who may just be trying to find their identities but do it haphazardly because they do not have their parents to guide them. Parents must remember that it is more important to listen to what their children have to say so that parents can give better advice.
Listening, Not Just Hearing
In communication, listening is as important as speaking. VDHS points out that improved communication starts with teenagers and their parents using better listening skills. To do this effectively, a parent must become an active listener. To do active listening, parents must understand what their teenagers are trying to say. While doing so, parents should also try to feel what their teenagers are feeling. Instead of thinking about what to say next or what parents want to say, parents must try to understand what their children mean to be an active listeners.
Below are tips on how to actively listen:
Pay attention: Stop what you are doing and give your full attention to your child. Remember to maintain eye contact and show that you are relaxed.
Please encourage your child to talk: This is simply prodding your child to go on ahead and say what they want to say by making nodding gestures or saying, yes or uh-ha.
Reflect on what your child said – Think about what your child wants to say by being sensitive to their feelings that go along with what is said.
Check your accuracy: Verify whether you have understood your child by repeating what you think was said and asking if you are correct. Ask more questions if you do not understand everything clearly.
As a parent, it is vital to understand what teenagers are going through and why they are going through such things. The only way to clearly understand is through listening and then calmly stating ideas. Being aggressive and hostile towards a child will only worsen and may push the child further to isolation.
Dr. Latham reminds parents that this stage in their child’s life will pass, and everything will be alright. The next time a teenager says, “I hate my mom”, it is probably simply because the child needs a little more attention. Parents have to make sure that they deal with these situations with an understanding heart and remain positive towards what the future holds for their children.
